Look, y’all, Bret just wants to find love and he wants us to join him on his journey. I say let’s go. I’ll drive (so you don’t have to).
Episode Four recap:

In the last episode, Bret shocked the world when he eliminated two girls. He says it’s time for him to get back to the bacon and I guess we’ll figure out what that means sometime tonight!

Bret stands next to Audrey while telling the girls goodnight. He then painstakingly walks up to every last one of them and kisses them goodnight, skipping Audrey on his way out. She gets into a bikini and hops in the hot tub to make herself feel better. She’s upset because she’s ready to fall in love and she knows that Daisy is upstairs having sex with him. But still, y’all - Audrey is ready to fall in love.

After sleeping in Bret’s room while on a nationally televised reality show, Daisy says that what happens between her and Bret is her and Bret’s business and I can see where she’s coming from. She is soon confronted about her adventure and she lets us all know that “it is what it is.” A key element of that sentence is left out, which is what “it” or “is” is. Oh well - we all trust Daisy (because she’s pretty and is wearing tattoos) and we are ready to move on.

Today’s boring challenge is to “custom build” a motorcycle for Bret - the winning captain gets to go on a motorcycle date with him which is probably going to be everything but boring because they get to hold on to Bret while he drives. And when Bret drives, he has sex. And when Bret has sex he falls in love. And when Bret falls in love, he drives his motorcycle.

At the end of their date, Bret and Inna kiss a little bit and Bret honks her breasts, seriously. Then Bret gets home and his motorcycle is so clean (because in a crazy twist, the losing captain had to clean it with a toothbrush). One of the girls says something about cleaning Bret’s pipes and then Bret repeats it saying “oh, you’re gonna clean my pipes” as if she was being serious about it and then he made a joke about it but really he was just repeating what she had already said. Nevermind.

Kristy Jo just divorced her second husband and she’s known Bret for five days so she’s getting pretty emotional about all of this. She goes and talks to Bret who looks bored out of his mind whenever a girl is talking about her emotions.

Bret makes fun of Kristy Jo in front of some of the other girls and Kristy Jo gets upset and runs back to talk to Bret who looks bored out of his mind whenever Kristy Jo is talking about her emotions.

At eliminations, Amber, wearing a “Punk Rock is Still Alive” shirt doesn’t let Bret reveal who his last pass is for and takes the fall for Kristy Joe. They both cry a lot and Amber mumbles something about never giving up and continuing to fight no matter what and she’s still wearing the “Punk Rock is Still Alive” shirt and everything is terrible and she stumbles out the door adding that if her and Bret are meant to be then they will fall in love because they “live in the same city.”

Turns out Bret was eliminating Amber anyway and Rock of Love nerds across America set an alert on their cell phones for the Rock of Love 2 reunion show so we can all re-celebrate the embarrassment of Amber on national television.