It’s over and it was…okay. It’s hard to beat hardcore discussions about the creative backstage end of professional wrestling - I can do that all night. As far as the actual booking is concerned though, I’m torn. A part of me was getting wrapped up in how I used to feel during Wrestlemania while another part of me was tired and bored with the current stale product.

The opening match was solid while the Money in the Bank match was very well done but had a questionable ending. (CM Punk, really? I’m tired of having ECW forced down my throat) Kane beating Chavo for the ECW Heavyweight Title in under 9 seconds was good, but only because we didn’t have to watch the match. If turning the only official ECW match at Wrestlemania into a squash isn’t any indication of what the WWE thinks of the brand, then what is?

Batista and Umaga was alright on paper, but a little boring to watch. Why put on this garbage when there wasn’t a tag-team, United States, or Intercontinental Championship on the card? Even wrestling’s annual main event isn’t going to showcase these titles, then why should we care? Mr. Perfect rolls in his grave, Bret Hart rolls his eyes, and Roddy Pipper rolls Vince McMahon’s house.

I seriously fast forwarded through the women’s match.

Randy Orton retaining was good booking, but the match itself was blah and the ending was too unexpected. I think I was reading a text message from someone I don’t even like communicating with when Randy Orton scored the pin. Big Show and Mayweather was entertaining and I was relieved when it wasn’t given final match treatment.

I’m pissed that the Undertaker beat Edge - he’s old and boring. Edge is young and entertaining. Undertaker should retire soon. Edge should be wrestling for a long time. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with Edge, watching a movie or playing frisbee. I’m going to make excuses if the Undertaker invites me over to his house.

Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels was scripted pretty close to perfection. (Non-wrestling fans, poke fun all you want at the next sentence and consider my comeback of “You just don’t get it” as extremely brutal.) I was very pleased when HBK mouthed “I’m sorry” and “I love you” before super-kicking Flair in the jaw. It was a classy ending, and the only thing that bugged me about it was that it wasn’t the main event of the night. Ric Flair has shown a downright insane crazy level of commitment to doing what he loves to do. It should have gotten top-billing, no question about it.

I’m going to watch RAW tomorrow - I want to see how much time they spend on rehashing the story lines from tonight. I want to see how many new feuds are born. I want to see if they truly move on from Wrestlemania 24 and start building towards Wrestlemania 25, where I’ve decided that even if I don’t a watch single second of WWE between now and April 2009, I’ll still buy a ticket and find a ride to Houston. Me = sucker.

Up until two years ago, professional wrestling was a pretty big deal to me. I grew up with it and this time every year for as long as I can remember was the biggest time of the year – Wrestlemania. It’s wrestling’s Super Bowl – all the biggest, most successful wrestlers come together and put on a show.

What turned me off to Wrestling? The WWE stopped elevating its mid-card wrestlers, it stopped creating factions, and it stopped surprising me. Which is a shame, because I like defending professional wrestling (Reason #16 Wrestling is more bad-ass than most sports: They don’t follow their huge annual event with five months of nothing - they are back on live television within the week.) – I still stand by it being one of the most impressive jobs in the entertainment/sports industry.

Even though wrestling has lost me, I’ll be watching this Sunday. And I’m giving them a chance to win me back. All they have to do is read my letter or give me a job in their creative department, the one job that has a shot at prying me away from comedy.

Dear WWE,
Stop Having Giant Tag Team Matches to Hype Pay-Per-Views
It’s lazy and uninteresting. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks hyping the relationship between two wrestlers and why they need to settle this dispute at an event that we have to pay money to watch. Throwing four of these relationships into a match together doesn’t count as heightening. We are looking forward to seeing these matches happen at the pay-per-view, keep it bottled up til then! When Brock Lesnar and The Rock headlined Summerslam way long ago, they didn’t touch each other until the bell rang that night – and the wrestling world was all over it.

Turn John Cena Heel
I admit, I’m confused here. I haven’t watched wrestling regularly for a while and I can’t tell if Cena’s current status is similar to the Rock’s was around 2003 when he came back to fight Goldberg. Is he being booked as a heel or a face? Do the hardcore fans hate him because the only people that like him are the non-hardcore fans? I don’t know. I have an easy solution though – turn him. Completely. No looking back, leave no room for anyone to like him. There’s no better way to do this than at Wrestlemania in front of everyone. Make him absolutely despicable to the non-hardcore fans. I want him to insult every kid who owns one of his shirts. Burn them all (the shirts) and I’ll watch RAW again.

Change The Big Show
Just like him, his new intro music is slower and more boring than what I remember. Vince McMahon loves these big men, but he rarely builds their status like big men from the past. I’d like to see The Big Show string together a huge number of victories – so many that the word record of consecutive victories is being challenged. The Big Show can focus solely on the record, making it his world championship.

Preserve Ric Flair
Keep feeding him whatever he wants, keep him around forever. If he has to retire before he dies, then have him really retire and let’s see him announce it in the middle of the ring with blood on his face. By himself.

Defend ALL the Championships at Wrestlemania
This is very frustrating - I want to see every single championship belt on the line at the biggest wrestling event of the year. I don’t want to see the Intercontinental Champion trying to be #1 Contender for the World Championship. I want him to treat the I.C. title like it’s the World Title. If the writers don’t care about it, the wrestlers don’t care about it, and then guess who else doesn’t care about it?

Always Always Always Play in the Here and Now
Past Wrestlemania’s have seen the books close on story lines that kept us interested for months prior to the big event. Wrestlemania has lost a little bit of credibility with me in recent years - the RAW following Wrestlemania should be a big fat push on the reset button. I remember reading a while back something about Vince McMahon planning his wrestling year from Wrestlemania to Wrestlemania - I’ll be watching Monday Night RAW on March 31st and if they at least try and do that, I’ll be back. If I see more than one rematch made from the big event Sunday night, I’ll be gone forever. Til’ Wrestlemania 25.

When The Onion called me and asked me to book/promote a comedy show for them I said “uuuuuuuuugh” and then when they said “Wait! It will be free and we’ll even give away Dewars because Dewars wants to throw a party just like we do” I said “ooooooyyyyy” and then when they said “Okay, Terp - we’ll put two full page ads in our newspaper to promote the show and your face can be in the ad” I said, “FINE, JUST GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY.”

Behind the bit: I’m excited about this show, spread the word! Email austinpromo@theonion.com with DEWARS in the subject line and kaboom! you’re on the list.