Show Notes

This week starts off with ANOTHER recap of LAST week’s episode which is frustrating because I already did that, just like LAST week.

Mikey B confronts Joel about last week’s back stab at tribal council. Joel listens like an adult and then says something about bashing Mikey B’s head in with a bat which was is a good example of poorly crafted symbolism.

At the Favorites camp, Eliza gets invited to the Cool Kids party (the 2 couple who have sex in front of everyone) and she gets all the dirt on who they want to vote off and how much they like having sex with each other. Eliza heads back to the Boring Adults party and tells them everything. We find out that Cirie is holding all the marbles simply because she believes that she is.

This week’s tree mail contains a beautiful poem about war paint and wrestling. Everyone gets really excited and they, like, immediately start putting the paint on each others faces, you guys. One of the children on the Fans tribe has his face painted like a skeleton and it’s confusing because it’s the most camera time he’s gotten so far. Obvious spoiler warning: this means he makes it far in the game. He looks like his name is Cory but it’s Eric and he spells like Erik.

Cirie makes a deal with those two girls who have sex with Ozzie and James. It’s going to be these three to the end. They say they are going to win and most of America turns off their television.

It storms really bad at the camp and everyone talks about it being one of the worst nights of their life, which is pretty bold of them considering they have no idea how many people watching the show are also currently being rained on or worse, helping their weird kid with some homework and missing Survivor.

Reward Challenge

The Favorites win a crazy water sandbag wrestling match that is one of the coolest challenges Survivor has ever drummed up. They walk away with some boring prizes like lotion, pillows, and some more lotion (with a different scent).

Immunity Challenge

Some people hold some rope and the others throw things at something the rope is holding. The thing gets really heavy and the first team to let go of the rope loses.

The fans win the challenge because they are huge fans of the show and have seen enough episodes to understand the challenges.

Post challenge at the Favorites camp, Jonathan breaks up a party that he obviously was never invited to and he understandably gets paranoid. Meanwhile Yao-Man builds a skyscraper on the other side of the island and one of those girls who has sex does a fashion show. Jonathan and Cirie get into an argument about keeping it real. Cirie tells Jonathan to keep it real and Jonathan says that he is going to keep it real.

Tribal Council

Sadly, Yao-Man gets voted out. I have faith, however, that he will turn up on a show like Dancing With the Stars and I vow to cover wherever he ends up. VOW, people!

It’s time to survive. Are you ready to survive? Let’s survive.

Show Notes
The show starts with a brief recap of last week, which is confusing because I already did that.

On the way home from voting Johnny Fairplay out of the game, Ozzy stops at Long John Silver’s and picks up a fish that the tribe is more than happy to cook. He doesn’t get any sides, though, which confuses Eliza who is a big fan of their Buttered Lobster Bites.

The old people in the Fans tribe are upset at the young people for concentrating on fire too much and the young people are upset because the old people are too busy “running their mouths.” Young people around the world (especially Micronesia) can relate.

The young people stand in a circle looking cool, hip, and young and wonder if they are really divided from the older people who are standing in a square somewhere looking old, gross, and tired.

Looking old pays off because the old people have someone managed to build a better shelter than the young people, even though their bones are more brittle, their skin hangs looser, and any moment now they are going to need a walker. The young forgive the old and everything is back to normal.

Ozzy and Amanda have sex in the tent while Jonathan and Cirie watch.

The only b-roll in this episode worth talking about was a shot of a crab, which I guess stood for something. I couldn’t figure it out.

The Challenge

Run out towards some big structure and then bash something then go underwater and get it then go back and then someone else do that same thing and then put together some sort of puzzle.

The Favorites win the challenge easily because they have more experience with Survivor than the fans, who are just fans of the shows and not past contestants.

Exile Island

Kathleen and Cirie are stuck at Exile Island where they look around for the hidden Immunity Idol. When the cameras are off they play video games and decorate/eat cake/cakes.

Tribal Council

Mary is the first victim of a Joel back stab. I predict there will be many more. Mikey B.’s jaw drops as Survivor reminds me of Prom 1999 - a lot less pretty than before but a little more interesting.

Look, y’all, Bret just wants to find love and he wants us to join him on his journey. I say let’s go. I’ll drive (so you don’t have to).
Episode Four recap:

In the last episode, Bret shocked the world when he eliminated two girls. He says it’s time for him to get back to the bacon and I guess we’ll figure out what that means sometime tonight!

Bret stands next to Audrey while telling the girls goodnight. He then painstakingly walks up to every last one of them and kisses them goodnight, skipping Audrey on his way out. She gets into a bikini and hops in the hot tub to make herself feel better. She’s upset because she’s ready to fall in love and she knows that Daisy is upstairs having sex with him. But still, y’all - Audrey is ready to fall in love.

After sleeping in Bret’s room while on a nationally televised reality show, Daisy says that what happens between her and Bret is her and Bret’s business and I can see where she’s coming from. She is soon confronted about her adventure and she lets us all know that “it is what it is.” A key element of that sentence is left out, which is what “it” or “is” is. Oh well - we all trust Daisy (because she’s pretty and is wearing tattoos) and we are ready to move on.

Today’s boring challenge is to “custom build” a motorcycle for Bret - the winning captain gets to go on a motorcycle date with him which is probably going to be everything but boring because they get to hold on to Bret while he drives. And when Bret drives, he has sex. And when Bret has sex he falls in love. And when Bret falls in love, he drives his motorcycle.

At the end of their date, Bret and Inna kiss a little bit and Bret honks her breasts, seriously. Then Bret gets home and his motorcycle is so clean (because in a crazy twist, the losing captain had to clean it with a toothbrush). One of the girls says something about cleaning Bret’s pipes and then Bret repeats it saying “oh, you’re gonna clean my pipes” as if she was being serious about it and then he made a joke about it but really he was just repeating what she had already said. Nevermind.

Kristy Jo just divorced her second husband and she’s known Bret for five days so she’s getting pretty emotional about all of this. She goes and talks to Bret who looks bored out of his mind whenever a girl is talking about her emotions.

Bret makes fun of Kristy Jo in front of some of the other girls and Kristy Jo gets upset and runs back to talk to Bret who looks bored out of his mind whenever Kristy Jo is talking about her emotions.

At eliminations, Amber, wearing a “Punk Rock is Still Alive” shirt doesn’t let Bret reveal who his last pass is for and takes the fall for Kristy Joe. They both cry a lot and Amber mumbles something about never giving up and continuing to fight no matter what and she’s still wearing the “Punk Rock is Still Alive” shirt and everything is terrible and she stumbles out the door adding that if her and Bret are meant to be then they will fall in love because they “live in the same city.”

Turns out Bret was eliminating Amber anyway and Rock of Love nerds across America set an alert on their cell phones for the Rock of Love 2 reunion show so we can all re-celebrate the embarrassment of Amber on national television.