Up until two years ago, professional wrestling was a pretty big deal to me. I grew up with it and this time every year for as long as I can remember was the biggest time of the year – Wrestlemania. It’s wrestling’s Super Bowl – all the biggest, most successful wrestlers come together and put on a show.

What turned me off to Wrestling? The WWE stopped elevating its mid-card wrestlers, it stopped creating factions, and it stopped surprising me. Which is a shame, because I like defending professional wrestling (Reason #16 Wrestling is more bad-ass than most sports: They don’t follow their huge annual event with five months of nothing - they are back on live television within the week.) – I still stand by it being one of the most impressive jobs in the entertainment/sports industry.

Even though wrestling has lost me, I’ll be watching this Sunday. And I’m giving them a chance to win me back. All they have to do is read my letter or give me a job in their creative department, the one job that has a shot at prying me away from comedy.

Dear WWE,
Stop Having Giant Tag Team Matches to Hype Pay-Per-Views
It’s lazy and uninteresting. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks hyping the relationship between two wrestlers and why they need to settle this dispute at an event that we have to pay money to watch. Throwing four of these relationships into a match together doesn’t count as heightening. We are looking forward to seeing these matches happen at the pay-per-view, keep it bottled up til then! When Brock Lesnar and The Rock headlined Summerslam way long ago, they didn’t touch each other until the bell rang that night – and the wrestling world was all over it.

Turn John Cena Heel
I admit, I’m confused here. I haven’t watched wrestling regularly for a while and I can’t tell if Cena’s current status is similar to the Rock’s was around 2003 when he came back to fight Goldberg. Is he being booked as a heel or a face? Do the hardcore fans hate him because the only people that like him are the non-hardcore fans? I don’t know. I have an easy solution though – turn him. Completely. No looking back, leave no room for anyone to like him. There’s no better way to do this than at Wrestlemania in front of everyone. Make him absolutely despicable to the non-hardcore fans. I want him to insult every kid who owns one of his shirts. Burn them all (the shirts) and I’ll watch RAW again.

Change The Big Show
Just like him, his new intro music is slower and more boring than what I remember. Vince McMahon loves these big men, but he rarely builds their status like big men from the past. I’d like to see The Big Show string together a huge number of victories – so many that the word record of consecutive victories is being challenged. The Big Show can focus solely on the record, making it his world championship.

Preserve Ric Flair
Keep feeding him whatever he wants, keep him around forever. If he has to retire before he dies, then have him really retire and let’s see him announce it in the middle of the ring with blood on his face. By himself.

Defend ALL the Championships at Wrestlemania
This is very frustrating - I want to see every single championship belt on the line at the biggest wrestling event of the year. I don’t want to see the Intercontinental Champion trying to be #1 Contender for the World Championship. I want him to treat the I.C. title like it’s the World Title. If the writers don’t care about it, the wrestlers don’t care about it, and then guess who else doesn’t care about it?

Always Always Always Play in the Here and Now
Past Wrestlemania’s have seen the books close on story lines that kept us interested for months prior to the big event. Wrestlemania has lost a little bit of credibility with me in recent years - the RAW following Wrestlemania should be a big fat push on the reset button. I remember reading a while back something about Vince McMahon planning his wrestling year from Wrestlemania to Wrestlemania - I’ll be watching Monday Night RAW on March 31st and if they at least try and do that, I’ll be back. If I see more than one rematch made from the big event Sunday night, I’ll be gone forever. Til’ Wrestlemania 25.

Since joining the rest of the world* early Saturday morning, I now have:
- Electricity
- Internet
- Television Rights

And despite writings like this from my past, I do appreciate the world of sports. I do watch sports, I do participate* in sports, I do talk about sports with strangers*.

After a very productive morning of coaching recent A-List Best Improv Group in Austin winners Look Cookie, I went to Mellow Mushroom - a barely mediocre pizza place where the waitress handed me a remote control when I asked her if I could get a television set changed to a basketball game. FE*.

I’ve since landed at my new house where I sit behind my new desk. It is here that I will watch the first half of the Superbowl, charge my cell phone*, and take a shower*. It is from here that I will head to La Zona Rosa to see flavor-of-my-month Band of Horses.

*America, Always win, My friends, Fair Enough, I-Phone, Dump water on my head

UPDATE:My cell phone is charged, Band of Horses might have been the best concert I’ve ever seen, Date Movie is pretty terrible

Chris Trew is an Austin-based performer who does live improv, sketch and stand-up comedy . He’s also a writer and member of Studio8.net, where his work has been featured by Sony’s Grouper/Crackle, Super Deluxe and Break.com.

He is the Executive Producer at the ColdTowne Theater in Austin, Tx where he teaches improv and performs extra-regularly in shows like Stool Pigeon, Thursday Night Awesome, one a.m., Aw Shit, Rubin, Punchline and ColdTowne, which has performed in almost at almost every major comedy festival in North America. Trew also does time at the world-famous Alamo Drafthouse with 3, 2, 1 Kill!, Air Sex and Air Guitar.

His rap persona Terp 2 it has opened for MC Chris and Comedy Central Presents in Austin. His first album is available at Studio8.net and iTunes as well as several music stores in Austin.